Divorce can easily become one of the most frustrating experiences in a person’s life. The loss of a significant relationship can be made even more difficult by the fact that divorce is also in many cases a deeply isolating experience. The temptation to reach out online and attempt to form connections through outlets such as social media platforms in these situations can be enormous – but spouses approaching the end of their marriage should use caution in what they share on social networking sites. In addition, there are a variety of other online behaviors that spouses may wish to avoid before divorce. To learn more, or to seek help developing your personal divorce strategy, consider scheduling a conversation with one of the experienced New Hampshire family law attorneys with Friedman & Bresaw, PLLC. We offer no-obligation initial consultations, so call (603) 707-4800 today to set up your meeting with our team.
What Are the Stages Before a Divorce?
Divorces are as unique as the people going through them, and individual experiences will vary depending on personality as well as on the circumstances of the split. However, one very common pattern for divorcing partners to experience is similar to the “stages of grief” patients with terminal illnesses commonly go through as they come to terms with the prospect of their own deaths.
In the context of a divorce, that pattern often looks something like this:
- Denial and shock: For many people, the initial reaction to the idea of divorce, or to the actions that trigger the decision to file, is often denial and shock. Either spouse, or in some cases both spouses, may struggle to believe that their marriage is ending. Spouses who go through this experience before divorce may try to ignore or minimize the problems.
- Anger and blame: As the reality of the situation sets in, spouses may start to feel angry and blame each other for the problems in the marriage – or for deciding to proceed with a divorce filing. This anger can take a variety of forms and may be especially sudden in spouses for whom the possibility of divorce came as a surprise; many spouses find sharing their frustrations on social media to present a strong temptation during this stage, even if they are aware that incautious venting online before divorce can provide their estranged spouse with crucial materials to be used later.
- Bargaining: In an attempt to save their marriage, the spouses may try to bargain with each other. They may promise to change their behavior or make concessions in the hopes of convincing the other spouse to stay. In the best-case scenario, this bargaining may take place in a therapist’s office and may actually lead to a resolution of the problems that led one or both spouses to consider divorce in the first place. Particularly when one spouse has determined to leave because their needs are not being met, promises made in this stage will need follow-through to save the marriage – but in some cases, a couple’s path can be effectively redirected at the bargaining stage, away from divorce and toward a sincere renewal of each partner’s commitment to the other.
- Depression and withdrawal: Of course, many marriages are not saved by “bargaining” – not even careful negotiating with the support of a trained professional. When the bargaining stage does not lead to a renewed commitment from both spouses, the realization that the marriage is over can lead to depression and withdrawal. Either spouse or both spouses may feel hopeless, lost, and alone. They may withdraw from friends and family and lose interest in activities they once enjoyed – and, as in the “anger and blame” stage, they may be tempted to vent their feelings online.
- Acceptance: Eventually, most spouses do come to a point at which they accept that their marriage is over. Depending on the personalities involved and the reasons for the breakdown of the marriage, this acceptance can take a number of forms – from deciding they can’t see the last of their ex quickly enough to embracing a collaborative process for resolving such matters as division of property and child custody arrangements.
There is no one “right” way to process the decision to divorce, or to deal with the experience of being served with divorce papers. Some spouses will skip one or more of these stages, while others will experience them in a different order, or move back and forth between them instead of following a linear trajectory. Two crucial points to keep in mind, at each stage, are that no one is defined by a single relationship, and every relationship is at least as complex as the people who built it. Acknowledging the complexities and embracing the possibilities inherent in change can go a long way toward helping individuals struggling with the emotional as well as practical burdens of divorce to navigate these challenges as they arise.
Should I Announce My Divorce on Social Media?
One step spouses often wish to take in the months before divorce is to announce their divorce proceedings on social media. There can be a variety of motivations behind this impulse, including a desire to explain sudden changes in living arrangements (e.g., one spouse moving out of the formerly shared home) to family and friends in a way that avoids the need for many potentially awkward individual conversations, hinting to one’s social network that the divorcing spouses may soon be ready to date other people, and (especially at the approach of holidays or significant occasions on the family calendar) setting expectations regarding gifting and participation in social events.
However, spouses considering a social media announcement before divorce should practice caution, as such announcements can sometimes have unintended consequences, even when they are framed with the best of intentions. Some examples include:
- Loss of privacy: Sharing personal information about a divorce on social media can compromise the privacy of each partner. Even with the most careful use of privacy settings, information shared online can easily be captured by members of the viewing group and potentially shared outside the original audience. Even if you think you are choosing your privacy settings carefully, it is a good idea to keep any announcement about your changing marital status before divorce brief and to the point.
- Emotional reactions: Friends and family can sometimes have stronger-than-anticipated emotional reactions to the news of a loved one’s impending divorce. While spouses who choose to announce their divorce proceedings online generally hope for neutral-to-supportive responses from their friends and family, most social networks include at least a few people who will take any opportunity to criticize or second-guess a couple’s private decisions. In some cases, friends or family members may even choose to “take sides” and intervene by pursuing actions intended to the detriment of the spouse with whom they have chosen not to align themselves.
- Children’s involvement: For couples who have children together, social media announcements regarding the change in family structure can raise a number of concerns to which parents are well-advised to be sensitive. Children often find navigating parental divorce to be a difficult experience, and that difficulty can be compounded by bullying or even simple curiosity from peers who become aware of the situation from sources other than the children themselves. Children also commonly experience feelings of helplessness when their parents are going through a divorce, and losing the chance to choose when and how to share their personal news with members of their own social circles can compound these feelings.
- Legal implications: In some cases, announcing a divorce on social media could have legal implications. Many couples approaching divorce in New Hampshire schedule divorce mediation services through the New Hampshire Judicial Branch to resolve matters related to their divorce settlements. Divorcing partners going through mediation are often bound by agreements to respect each other’s privacy while the mediation is ongoing. The content of the announcement and the precise wording used may also play a role, as an announcement framed in terms disparaging to the other spouse may sometimes provide the disparaged party with material to use in court, during divorce proceedings.
- Regret: Once content has been posted online, it is difficult if not impossible to remove entirely. The relatively persistent nature of digital content need not mean that no one should ever share any information about new life developments – but it does mean that, as a rule, it is better to keep personal revelations limited and timely. Lengthy narratives about a marriage’s collapse can wait until after divorce proceedings are underway (or even until the divorce is final), and in many cases are better shared offline, in personal conversations rather than announcements designed to reach a broad audience.
An experienced family law and divorce attorney with Friedman & Bresaw, PLLC may be able to review your situation and suggest some general guidelines for how to handle the inevitable dissemination of news about your divorce online.
Can Social Media Be Used Against You in Divorce?
Spouses preparing for or going through divorce proceedings should be cautious regarding the material they share on social media. Overly broad sharing of personal entertainments and activities can sometimes be used to undermine the posting spouse’s position in heated debates over such common points of contention as alimony (also known as spousal support). § 458:19a NH Rev. Stat. (2023) specifically ties alimony awards in cases where spousal support is disputed to the receiving spouse’s needs and the paying spouse’s resources, so a seasoned divorce and alimony lawyer may counsel you to exercise an abundance of caution and avoid posting any content online that could lead an observer to draw exaggerated conclusions regarding your financial means. Similarly, in divorces involving contested child custody decisions, it may be wise to steer clear of over-broad sharing regarding your parenting habits and domestic routine.
Seek Advice From an Experienced Divorce Lawyer
If you are approaching a divorce in New Hampshire, or considering whether divorce is the right option for your situation, you may have a number of questions about how to manage your digital footprint as it intersects with the rest of your world. There are few easy answers, but discussing your situation with an experienced family law attorney who is familiar with the struggles individuals experience as they process marital breakdown and wonder where to look for support may help you to achieve some clarity and peace of mind before divorce. The family law and divorce team at Friedman & Bresaw, PLLC offer free consultations, so consider calling (603) 707-4800 today to schedule a meeting with one of our seasoned attorneys.
