One of the most frustrating aspects of domestic violence (DV) is how isolating it can be for victims. Some of that isolation is a direct effect of the way many abusers operate, as limiting the victims’ other contacts is often a prominent element within patterns of abuse. However, a cultural stigma resulting in part from common misconceptions serves to exacerbate the isolation many DV survivors feel. At Friedman & Bresaw, PLLC, we are committed to debunking the domestic violence myths that serve to isolate individuals suffering from family and intimate partner abuse – and to helping survivors leave untenable situations. If you are looking for help reviewing your options, consider scheduling a free initial consultation with a member of our experienced and compassionate team. Call (603) 707-4800 today to set up your call.
Myth #1: Domestic Violence Is Rare
One of the most common and pernicious myths about domestic violence is that it is rare and happens to few people. The reality is very different. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), nearly 20 people experience intimate partner violence every minute in the United States alone – a number that leaves out the large number of children abused by their parents and the tragic abuse of elders by other members of their households.
Myth #2: Victims Are Only Women; Abusers Are Only Men
Perhaps one of the reasons for the widespread misconception that domestic violence is rare is the equally common misunderstanding that DV survivors are always women. Women actually do suffer from domestic violence at higher rates than men, but the gender disparity is wider than many people assume. Again according to the ACADV, one in four men, compared to one in 3 women, has experienced a physical form of intimate partner violence – the difference between one-quarter and one-third. Fully appreciating this statistic requires, again, recalling that the gender gap in other forms of domestic violence may be even smaller.
Myth #3: Domestic Violence Is a Private Family Matter
One of the most pernicious domestic violence myths family law attorneys encounter again and again is the idea that DV is somehow a “private” matter that affects only the family in which the abuse is happening and belongs behind closed doors. This myth can be especially harmful because the sense of shame it often instills in survivors helps to keep them from seeking help – if they cannot admit what is going on to friends, family members, or even trained professionals, then they will struggle to access the resources they need to escape their situation or make changes within it.
This point about making changes in a DV situation is important in part because when DV survivors do seek help, it is often automatically assumed not only that they want to immediately leave the relationship in which the abuse is occurring, but also that leaving the relationship is the only way to improve the situation. In many cases it may unfortunately be true that an abuser will never change their behavior – but the “private family matter” approach makes it much more difficult for DV survivors and abusers to access resources, such as counseling programs, that might facilitate change. Those changes in a former abuser’s behavior can be especially critical in ensuring the safety of a couple’s shared children if a DV survivor decides to file for divorce, so unwinding the shroud of secrecy around domestic violence is in everybody’s best interests.
Myth #4: Victims Can Easily Leave an Abusive Relationship
Often people “on the outside” assume that the simple solution to domestic violence is to simply leave the relationship. The reality is rarely as straightforward. In addition to the isolation DV survivors often experience, as mentioned above, in many cases economic pressures, an emotional or relational version of the “sunk-cost” fallacy, and shared children can make victims of domestic and especially intimate partner violence less likely to leave their situations. If you have questions about how to leave a marriage that has been impacted by domestic violence, consider scheduling a confidential consultation with the compassionate and understanding family law attorneys with Friedman & Bresaw, PLLC to discuss your options.
Myth #5: Domestic Violence Victims Do Not Care About Their Children If They Stay in an Abusive Relationship
Human beings are complex – even those who sometimes abuse their partners or families. The word “sometimes” is especially important here because many abusive partners and parents are both charming and caring at least some of the time. Labeling these individuals “abusers” lends itself to an overly simplistic narrative in which it is difficult to understand why their spouses, in particular, might hesitate to leave the relationship – making it easy, in turn, to assume that spouses who stay with abusive partners must not be concerned, or must not care about the possible effects on their children, when the truth is that caring about the couple’s shared children is often one of the reasons why people experiencing intimate partner violence may be reluctant to walk away.
Spouses who endure domestic violence often do so in part because they are convinced (rightly or wrongly) that the other spouse is “a good parent,” or that “children need a stable home” – and that “a stable home” means a home anchored by the same two parents a child had at birth. At the other end of the spectrum, parents sometimes fear that the child custody arrangements determined by a New Hampshire court might leave vulnerable children with another parent with whom they might not be safe. Both perspectives can be animated by a parent’s deep love for their children.
Strategies for Relief in New Hampshire
If you have experienced domestic violence or are still struggling with your options for leaving an abusive situation, you should know that a number of options for relief may be available in New Hampshire, depending on the particulars of your case. The New Hampshire Judicial Branch provides a resource page for individuals who wish to seek orders of protection (sometimes called restraining orders), as well as for those who need to respond to such filings. Similarly, New Hampshire law also provides for the possibility of a temporary emergency warrant to take physical custody of a child if a parent who is already divorced from an abusive former spouse has reason to believe that the child is in danger when staying with their other parent. The necessary orders in such cases can only be issued by a judge and New Hampshire family courts will require substantial evidence to show that the child at risk of imminent harm, so it may be advisable to consult with an experienced family law attorney prior to filing a petition pursuant to § 458-A:32 N.H. Rev. Stat. (2023).
Orders of protection, by themselves, are not necessarily a comprehensive solution, especially for individuals who are still in a relationship characterized by occasional or ongoing instances of domestic violence. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. In a non-emergency situation, the Domestic Violence Support offered by the New Hampshire Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) may help you locate programs appropriate to your needs.
Speak With a New Hampshire Family Law Attorney
If you are a DV survivor anywhere in New Hampshire, do not let the many domestic violence myths in circulation confuse or isolate you. There is help, and you are not alone. New Hampshire’s DHSS and a number of nonprofit organizations throughout the state offer options for dealing with an immediate crisis situation. Over the longer term, as you seek to determine your best path forward, you may wish to consult with an experienced New Hampshire family law attorney to get help evaluating your options. At Friedman & Bresaw, PLLC, we make it our priority to listen to our clients’ without judgment. Whether you need a divorce, a petition for physical custody of your child, or something else, we welcome your call. Reach out to our team today at (603) 707-4800 to schedule a confidential discussion.
